Tag: personal

MR Writers Club: Describe Your Personal Style

See below the response I submitted to last month’s prompt.


Black & minimalist. Words that I’d previously use to describe my personal style. Note: previously. I worked in an office for a year at 17 and quickly adapted to the corporate dress code. Somehow it spilled over into my casualwear. Neither jeans nor sneakers existed. I wore a uniform of pencil skirts, wide leg pants, and black tops of some variant. I’d say I dressed twenty years older than my chronological age. Sometimes I still do.

I went back to school this summer. Starting college after two years out of the system was daunting to me, especially coming from Scotland where things are rather different. Not only were the classes going to be unfamiliar, but the people too. I’ve discovered that although we are two English speaking countries, culturally, we are worlds apart. I learned that teenagers in America are really teenagers. Like, actual kids still, not mini-adults like we are at home. I soon realized that I had to adapt or I would stick out. During orientation people were already asking me why I dressed up so much, so I made a conscious decision to change. It was time. Micro-miniskirts in various materials (vinyl, pleather, scuba), colorful fur coats, t-shirts, and jeans have made it into the rotation. I literally hadn’t worn denim since I was 14 years old.

I enjoy getting dressed nowadays. I often think of a #look (yes, the hashtag really elevates it) and strive to realize it. I love when I plan an outfit mentally and execute it perfectly. Going to a fashion school helps too, allowing the freedom to push the boundaries of what would be considered acceptable in a regular college. Sometimes I will wear the most ridiculous outfits just because I can. It’s fun. Fashion should be fun.

The Man Repeller ethos was ingrained in me before I even heard about this website. I’ve never dressed for guys. Ever. I don’t want to. Case in point, I wore a typical “club” outfit yesterday but paired it with black leather Converse and a plaid blazer. “Geography professor” vibes, yet I think it looked cool. The week before I wore Acne Studios leopard print tights with a leopard print fur coat – you’ve got to fully commit to that kind of thing. I got many puzzled faces looking back at me on the streets (and I thought New York would be ready for that look).

My style has changed over the past few months, but so have I as a person. I’ve matured and my style has too. I’d say the biggest sign of maturity is not caring what people think, knowing that you are enough without requiring the validation of others. That’s what I’ve come to achieve in my outfit choices and, almost, in daily life. So, to summarize my new, improved, and ever-evolving style in the simplest way possible: a series of #looks. (Say the hashtag.)

Thoughts on the Weather

I had the oddest feeling like it was summer when I woke up this morning. I could almost feel the heat from the sun. I lay in bed imagining the outfit that I could wear – bare legs were certain, sandals were likely. Then when I actually woke up and went to the kitchen to make breakfast, upon hearing the water pipes squeaking, I was hit by the cruel reminder that it is, in fact, still winter. And we’re nowhere near the end of it.

There’s something about the warm weather that makes life more pleasant. It gives you a sense of freedom. I could walk about anytime, anywhere in the summer and feel fairly safe. I have no qualms about walking after 10pm because it’s still light outside. As soon as the sun goes down, the world feels more dangerous. Perhaps the early sunsets in the winter contribute to the overall gloomy feel. You feel restricted by the daylight, and, more so, the weather.

Not only do my outfits suck in the winter (although I do wear more mini-skirts, just with tights) but often my overall demeanor is less happy. I would consider myself a happy person in general but I definitely feel less so in the winter, especially after Christmas when you’re just stuck with the cold weather and zero festivity. Snow in December can be nice but any other month of the year it’s unwelcome.

So yes, my morning was a slight disappointment when I realised that we are only in January, but then I remembered a few good things. Firstly, it’s my birthday next week & I have a few, fun celebrations planned with various different friends. Secondly, I’m going to Los Angeles next month which is so exciting to me as I’ve never been anywhere in America besides New York. I’ll finally see California and the Pacific Ocean. I’m curious to see the west coast and learn how different it is from here. From what I’ve heard, it’s a whole other way of life so that will be fun. Finally, I graduate (with my Associates) in May which means I’ll be able to work/intern/do both over the summer. The idea of finally being able to work again and gain more experience and do something that I’m genuinely interested in is so exciting to me. It’s not all bad. It never is.

PS – I know there’s so many shitty things going on politically right now. I’m trying not to talk about them on here, instead saving it for my personal social media networks. I don’t want you to think that I’m just being complacent or ignoring it or, worse, supporting it. I just don’t think this is the right platform. I hope you understand 🙂

Thoughts on Writing

How did Carrie Bradshaw think of new ideas for a column every single week? Inspiration seemed to hit her in the funniest of places. Yes, her columns (or what we heard of them) were rather vapid and meaningless, yet they always seemed humorous and, more importantly, what people would actually want to read.

I’m at a stage right now where I’m desperately seeking inspiration but I can’t find it. I want to write more but I can’t think of what to write about. I don’t know if it’s worth just sharing tales from my life because in my mind they’re not that exciting. To me, it’s just life. However, where do you find inspiration to start writing? And how do you keep being inspired and push yourself to create worthy content?

I’m always conscious that this website could end up just filled with a constant flow of aggregative posts, summarising things I’ve read elsewhere without adding any real value or input to the conversation. I’d like to change that if I can. I want to be able to weigh in on things in a thoughtful manner, whilst also keeping it interesting and fun. I’d like to learn how to do that.

I’m thinking about taking a writing class of some sort. I find that when I am pushed to do things on a deadline I will produce better work. On top of that, I could learn new techniques and also have work critiqued. That’s my biggest problem: being afraid of negativity. I don’t like to put myself out there for things that I feel are flawed, in fear that people pick them apart. However, in an educational setting this can be helpful and is actually welcomed. I don’t know if I’m going to go about this by taking a class at my school (perhaps a liberal arts elective) or if I should do it in my own time (Gotham Writers’ Workshop?). Either way I’d like to take action. Throughout my life I’ve been told that I’m a good writer and that I should do something with it. However, I hate my voice when I write. It isn’t how I’d like it to be and I can’t work out how to change it. I guess you can’t alter what flows naturally too much or it will sound phony. When attempting fiction, I find myself imitating other writers whose work I admire. I know it’s not my own natural voice and for that reason it can sound contrived. Then when I’m writing non-fiction, whether that be a more conversational, personal piece like what I’m writing now, or a more factual, article-style piece, I find myself straying into a voice that I don’t like. One that sounds uneducated and often too casual. I need to learn how to fix that.

I’d like to write on this blog more often in the coming months. I think I could write some good things if I just got struck by inspiration and sat down and did it. I know I probably sound like a broken record by now. I’m constantly saying what I’m going to do & then changing my mind. I’m someone who needs to say things aloud in order to stick to them. This is sort of like saying it, just I’m typing it to a small audience instead of telling people I actually know. I don’t know. I guess it’s more comforting to talk to strangers. We shall see what happens.

Possible YouTube Channel

I’ve been thinking about stuff. It’s Christmas Eve right now and I’ve been back home for a few days. For that reason my mind is very active. I’m reflecting on the past few months and the progress that I’d hoped to make. Honestly, I’m happy with what has happened. I’ve achieved a few good things. I got all As this semester, I helped out on a photoshoot with a website that I enjoy (and the images got published in an indie magazine), I worked a sample sale & market week, I moved into my own apartment, I made new friends, I found a great relationship. When I type it out, a lot of really amazing things occurred. However, I want more. I’d like to make progress career-wise whilst I have the time to, especially since fashion is becoming increasingly competitive and oversaturated due to the rise of social media. For that reason, I think I may throw my hat into the ring and make a YouTube channel. I’ve already made my Instagram public – that was quite a step.

Now I know what you’re thinking, that wave has passed. I agree. However, I think I’m going to use YouTube as a creative outlet. Or at least I’m intending to. Whether that actually happens is another story. I don’t want to post talking videos or anything like that. Just perhaps cool outfit shots accompanied by some music and then maybe some footage of scenery from what I did that day. I’m thinking my first video could maybe be a “week in outfits” or something along those lines. Then afterwards I’d like to make a foray into fashion films, or something more along those lines.

Recently I’ve been thinking about becoming a stylist again but often feeling stumped on how to actually do it. Maybe the best way to begin is to start styling/creative directing my own videos and then I have a portfolio of work to show to potential employers/clients. I’m sure it would help me get internships if I could show that I have an understanding of that area myself. Maybe brands could hire me to help them.

The urgency to create this channel comes from watching a Love Advent video. I thought about a really great idea for a video, based on the competition that they’re having where you could get your song played on one of their videos. My boyfriend’s group is thinking about submitting a song. After listening to their song and thinking about it in the context of a Love video I could visualize in my mind exactly what the model would be wearing, what she would look like, what she would be doing etc. I thought I could creative direct that video. That’s not the only scenario where I’ve had these thoughts either but today was the first day that I realized that if I want to have a career in styling/creative direction or if I ever want someone to hire me for a project, I need to have a visual portfolio of my work to show them. Really I’m thinking the way to do this is to just make it myself. It’s the best way I know how to.

The current plan is to spend the next couple of weeks whilst I’m home trying to learn the basics of iMovie editing plus try to find a couple of cool tracks that I could use in the background, then plan a couple of concepts that I could try to execute, probably when I get back to New York. Who knows what will even come of this but I feel like I’m someone who is more likely to do something once I’ve told someone else about it, so here I am putting these words out into the universe. Let’s see what happens.

Also, Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate!!

The Instagram Effect

Instagram has a detrimental effect on my self esteem. It has taken me so long to realise this but now I know it’s true. Seeing beautiful girls every day makes me lose sight of what’s actually important in a person. Because likes on Instagram are all about how pretty/hot someone looks in a photograph, I start to think that being beautiful is important to being successful, because on Instagram that’s true. All of the big accounts are run by hot girls (even if they all look the damn same). People’s lives revolve around likes. In a way it’s hella sad. However, I can feel myself getting sucked into that toxic mindset and I want to make a conscious effort to stop it before I get in too deep.

In real life (offline), beauty is nothing. Or maybe not nothing but beauty is secondary. Realistically, you’re not going to get a job just because you’re beautiful if you’re dumb as hell or have no education or are a really rude person. Your life probably isn’t going to be terrible if you look average because honestly most people look average (hence the word).

💕 @DIORMAKEUP LIP GLOW LOVE !! 💕

A post shared by 🦋 (@bellahadid) on

I often think about this: how often do you see a truly stunning person in real life? I can probably count the number of beautiful women I’ve seen in real life on one hand. It’s very rare. Yes there are a lot of attractive people, pretty people, hot girls, but true beauty is rare. Instagram is odd because it takes these girls and puts them onto one platform and elevates them into your sight. Normally I wouldn’t be exposed to such a high concentration of beautiful people but due to Instagram and the explore page I am. In a way I hate it. Yes it inspires me to try harder, but it also knocks me down. I wonder why I’m not that beautiful or that photogenic. I wonder why I don’t have 1k likes on every selfie I post. I wonder why I don’t look that way when I’m wearing the same clothes. I wonder why I always look slightly awkward or uncomfortable whenever someone takes a photo of me yet these girls are posed as hell and still look good.

As long as I keep a handle on things and realise that Instagram is not real life, that these girls maybe aren’t even as stunning in person (and if they are, good for them!), and that there is more to life than looks. If you derive all of your value and self-worth from your appearance, what do you have when it’s gone? What more is there than that? I am 100% confident in all areas of myself apart from my appearance. I know I’m smart. I know I’m a good person; I’m kind, I’m loyal, I’m actually nice. I’m confident in my abilities yet I still don’t find myself beautiful because to me externally I am not. So that’s why it’s good to step away from Instagram, in my opinion, or at least don’t lose sight of what’s actually important. But as I know all too well myself, it’s easier said than done.

End of Semester

It’s very strange to think that the semester is almost over. As I begin to write this, I still have all of my finals to take but I’m very much in shut-down mode. My brain has had enough. Overall I enjoyed school, even though it wasn’t at all what I expected. For one, it was a lot more work than I anticipated but I found it to be a high volume of relatively easy work. It was time consuming, more so. However, when I reflect back on this semester it’s more all of the changes in my life that I’m noticing and all of the real life lessons that I learned outside of the classroom that matter to me the most.

So, I moved to New York in August. Before I came here I was barely even excited, just because it felt like the natural next step. I knew for so long that I planned to move here so by the time it actually came around I was rather blasé about it all. That was dumb of me. It’s New York City, arguably the greatest place in the world. I feel like it may even have come off as unappreciative, although that was not the case. I remember before I moved telling people that I was going to New York and feeling like they almost didn’t believe it, perhaps because I couldn’t quite believe it myself. You know, I’ve been saying this for years and years now. For it to now be my reality is rather strange and also rather validating. I haven’t been talking shit for all this time. I’ve accomplished something.

It’s funny to me how quickly I became nonchalant in regards to the city. Perhaps when you’re doing regular day-to-day tasks the excitement begins to wear off. Getting on dirty subway late at night leaves little to the imagination, especially when you see rats running on the tracks, getting caught up in the rubble left behind by passengers. Fellow subway passengers are often less than pleasant too. I’m used to that after the whole train fiasco last winter with the Forth Road Bridge closures, but here it is just like that 24/7. It’s actually such a treat to get a seat on the train. I still love New York. Every once in a while it hits me that I live here and it’s actually a huge deal. For example, this weekend I walked back across the park with my groceries. When I say the park, I mean Central Park. As in, the park from all of the famous movies that everyone talks about. The iconic destination. And I’ve experienced the park both in the delightful sunshine in the summer and the burnt autumnal colors in the fall and the cold and rain of winter. It’s beautiful in all seasons. Furthermore, as I continued on my journey I walked by many more iconic sites – The Metropolitan Museum of Art (i.e. the lunch spot on Gossip Girl), The Dakota building (or the Bram, if you’re a fan of Rosemary’s Baby), The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (the Mormon church from Angels in America). Everywhere you look in New York, there’s a cultural reference, whether that be a pop-culture movie or tv show, a book, a piece of art, a historical story or figure. It’s easy to march on by and rush ahead with your day (something that I’m definitely guilty of), but instead I am beginning to make more of an effort to look around and appreciate it. New York is the centre of the universe. Not literally but figuratively. It’s awe-inspiring.

Before coming to FIT, I thought I knew what I wanted to do career wise. I’ve been thrown a little bit of a curveball since getting here. But I also feel a lot more relaxed. I no longer feel that I need to stick to this career plan that I had in mind and I realise that nothing has a fixed timescale. It’s all about taking things at your own pace and enjoying life as it comes as well. I don’t want to be a buyer anymore because it feels very corporate and also not particularly enjoyable. I need something more creative or at least something where I can build a direct relationship with the clothing (whether that be via wholesale, selling the collection and getting to know everything about the pieces from the seams to the fabrications). I’d also prefer a smaller team, I think.

Regardless, I feel a lot more relaxed about life in general now. On the whole I’m very happy. I have love. I have friends. I have family. I have a home (and it’s all my own, built up entirely by me). I have health. And finally, I have happiness. If you don’t have happiness what do you have? I’ve been rather down for a couple of years now because I felt that my life was on hold as I was waiting to come here. Now that I’ve finally arrived I feel like I can finally begin living. I’ve realised that I am actually so young and I have so much of life ahead of me. I have friends in their thirties. I have classmates who are returning to school for a career change or who already have children. I now know that life does not have to follow a set, rigid path and that’s ok. That’s what I needed.

My Current Lack of Fashion Feelings

I’m at a strange place right now. I thought that moving to New York would provide me with so much inspiration to step up my game style-wise, but in fact I feel it has done the opposite. Or more so, I’ve been exposed to so much that I’m not sure where I’m headed or where I want to be. I’m in a little bit of a rut. I’ve found that some style shifts are involuntary, heralded by a new job or a change of circumstances, and some are made via a conscious effort. Right now I feel like I’m in stasis. No change.

FIT has surprised me. I thought that everyone would be dressed up for class every day but in fact I don’t think it’s much different than a regular college. People still wear sweatpants. I’d say 30% of people in each class that I’m in are wearing sweatpants or exercise tights or yoga pants, another 50% are wearing jeans (in a casual manner), and the remainder are dressed up how I’d expect people at a fashion school to be. In a way I was taken aback by this. I thought everyone would be all about self-expression and wanting to showcase cool outfits. Especially because so many of us attending the school are from small towns that are perhaps less liberal or accepting than New York. People always spoke about how they couldn’t wait to get to New York so they could dress how they wanted.

I’ve always been pretty sure of my style. For the past three years, approximately, I’ve worn the same kind of things. You could walk into any store and pick something out for me because I’ve always followed the same formula: black, fur, leather. The silhouettes have either been super tight or super relaxed, no inbetween, and generally I’ve dressed for girls, not guys. My style isn’t sexy and I make no attempt to be. I’ll wear a slip dress (which can be made sexy) but with sneakers or a t-shirt. It kills the sex appeal for sure.

Nowadays I’m wondering do I want to dress sexier? Do I want guys to look at me or do I want to continue hiding? For me, dressing in a non-sexy way was a real choice that I made. I didn’t want people to look at me. It made me uncomfortable. Then when I went to work in an office I began dressing corporate as hell. I wore pencil skirts every day. Now I’m at college my previous uniform seems inappropriately formal. My challenge since getting here is trying to dress slightly more casual but in a way that I feel comfortable with. I can’t be someone who rolls out of bed and walks to class wearing a baseball cap, baggy tshirt, and leggings but I also shouldn’t be someone who looks like they got lost on their way to Goldman Sachs.

To be fair to myself, I am getting better at the whole casual thing. I’ve worn jeans a couple of times. I wear dresses with sneakers now. I’ve only worn a blazer once in the past month. But my problem is, I now hate all of my clothes yet when I go shopping I can’t see other things that I want to buy instead. In fact, I don’t know where I want to go, style-wise.

Whilst browsing in Soho last week I seen one pair of pants in All Saints that were just so me and I got excited about fashion for the first time in around a month. They were “ink blue”, satin, relaxed fit through the leg. To me they were sexy as hell; to a guy they probably weren’t. Also in the same store I seen a double breasted black blazer. I wanted to pair them with strappy heels and a cami underneath. I keep thinking about looks that I want to try out but I just don’t have the resources to execute them in a way that I’d be happy with right now.

I’ve been a bit disappointed in myself because I’ve found myself frequenting Zara and browsing on Boohoo & Missguided a tonne in the past few weeks. After all the research I did into fast-fashion and the harmful effect of it, I’ve fallen back into the trap. I’m back to feeling the insatiable need to have more “stuff” and to always have it instantly. It’s about quantity not quality. It’s gross to me because I know better than that yet somehow I keep looking at it, trying it on, buying it. I want to stop. Basically, I’m confused right now and I feel like I could sample a bunch of different looks at fast fashion stores that I couldn’t do if I was buying at more expensive stores. Plus, I lost a little bit of weight in the summer and since then my favourite clothes don’t fit properly. My Sandro tuxedo pants haven’t even gotten a looking. They’ve literally sat on a chair to be taken to be altered since August. It’s sad really.

So to summarise, I want to buy a lot of new clothes because I’m a little bit lost in terms of style right now. My classic uniform of all black is boring me. I want pink. I want beige. I want red even. I want leather. I want boots. I want jeans that make my ass look hella good. I want more slip dresses. I want Givenchy. I want Alexander Wang. I want Off-White. I want a floor length fur coat. I just wanna be fabulous.

Further Thoughts – Current Career Musings/Social Media Strategy Combo

I’M GOING TO COMBINE TWO POSTS HERE BECAUSE I WROTE THEM ONE DAY AFTER ANOTHER AND THEY’RE ON A SIMILAR TRAIN OF THOUGHT 🙂

New York is the place to be for creativity I think. Since getting here I have become further inspired to do something really cool, to push myself outside of the boundaries I had previously set; whether that is communicated via my style of dress (which is rather conservative and put-together compared to many people here surprisingly), a set of images that I could create (or at least assist on), or the way I carry myself. I want to be somebody successful, but not necessarily somebody. I feel like I’m stuck in a little bit of a dilemma right now. In this social media age the easiest (and most common) path to success is forged on a high online following, yet I have a private Instagram account. In my opinion, it’s not even about who you know but who knows you. I want to be successful and create a career for myself without having to put my whole life on the internet. Is that possible in this day and age?

Honestly, I’m very interested in styling at the moment. Working at a fashion magazine was always my dream when I was a kid but I always told myself no. It’s not possible. But why isn’t it possible? I could make it happen if I really tried hard enough. I know that when you look at the American Vogue masthead almost everyone is a socialite or related to someone powerful/wealthy/influential. I am neither of these things, nor do I know anybody who is. But does that mean I should give up? Or should I find another path to success? Or another magazine to aspire to? Or another aspect of styling? I feel like I’m at a stage in life where I have so many questions that I’d like to find answers to and I’m not exactly sure how to do it.

Celebrity styling appeals to me too. For example, Rachel Zoe’s empire is extremely admirable. She lives a great life and loves what she does, and that’s very important to me. Another, perhaps more current, example would be Monica Rose who styles the Kardashians. The effect of her styling is very real and pronounced on pop-culture nowadays. I’d love to wield that influence one day but then again I’d also love to do more conceptual, creative things. Shiona Turini has a career that I’d like to replicate somehow. She has a good mix of styling (editorials), magazine work (for example, picking products for certain themes on “trend” pages), and music video/celebrity work (Beyonce’s Formation, Solange’s Cranes in the Sky).

So what’s the best way to start doing all of this? That’s what I’m currently trying to work out. I mentioned this a little bit in my previous post and since then I have been thinking a little bit more. I still don’t have it all worked out yet (but who does?) but I do feel like I have a rough idea at least. Logically, it’s interning. I think when it comes to looking for internships next summer I will focus on PR/Editorial and maybe showrooms. For now, buying is out. In the meantime, I’m going to try and assist people on photoshoots and shadow them so I can learn how this is done. It’s hard to find people to reach out to and also kind of scary (what if they don’t reply? what if they think you’re dumb?) but it’s the only way for me to start. Also, should I start taking photos for my blog? Should I begin YouTube (but I don’t want to speak so that’s probably a bad idea)? I know that I don’t want to turn this into a style blog. That would be extremely hypocritical for me given that I’ve been rather skeptical of them in the past and have also never regularly read or looked at once myself. But do I want to start doing shoots of other people? Or taking photos of products? I’m not sure.

Whatever path I take, I’m excited to see what happens. I’m in New York City. If there’s anywhere to try something new it’s here. This is the land of opportunity. Sometimes I forget that. Also, if I never try something I’ll never know. Stay tuned to see what happens. I hope I can make something really cool happen.


Social media, privacy, and oversharing; three ideas that I think all go hand-in-hand. In this digital age all of the aforementioned are of increased importance. Somehow I’ve been social media shy. It’s strange because a few years ago, during high school, I loved social media. I used Twitter so often that I was put on tweet limit a bunch of times. I had thousands of followers from all over the world and I interacted with people I didn’t know every single day. One day I got spooked. I don’t even know why. I turned all of my accounts to private, I blocked people I didn’t know on Instagram just so they couldn’t follow me, and I deleted Twitter. I couldn’t even give you a valid reason as to why I did this. Genuinely, I have no idea. Nothing bad happened to me, no one bullied me, no one stalked me, nothing crazy. I just got very into this idea that I shouldn’t put my life out there for people to see.

Now that I’m in New York my attitude is beginning to change. I’m starting to realise that you need to use social media as a tool. And hey, it is actually fun. For example, I use Instagram as a bit of a moodboard. If you look at my feed I post mainly pictures that inspire me or that I aspire to be like. There are also a few selfies (literally 6 since 2012) and lots of random shots of scenery and buildings. It’s scary to me that social media can literally land you – or cost you – a job. The fact that your Instagram could have an impact on your career is bizarre. But that’s the modern world.

This weekend (15th October) I’m helping out on a photoshoot. I’m learning the ins and outs of styling because I think it’s something I would actually like to pursue and make something out of. Today I went to pick up the pulls from a showroom. This was a fun experience as I got to have a look around and meet people who worked there, plus I got to leave with a garment bag filled with samples. Tomorrow we are doing the actual shoot, super early (5:30am call time!) but also super fun. This is a genuine immersive learning experience for me. It’s all good googling things and finding out information that way but until you’ve tried it yourself you really never know.

I know that if I tried hard enough with styling I could do something with it. I may not make it to Rachel Zoe’s level of empire (although celebrity styling is an entirely different field), but I may also make something really cool out of this. I keep forgetting that I’m only 18 and I still have a whole life ahead of me to figure everything out. It’s probably because I seem to surround myself in the company of others who are at different stages in life and different stages in their careers that I sometimes forget how young I actually am or how much time I do have. Now is the time to experiment and New York is the place to do that.

In celebration of all things new and open, I made my Instagram account public. Feel free to follow me – @_evegardiner – and keep updated with what I’m thinking at that point in time. I do feel like I have neglected this blog a little bit since getting here and honestly I don’t have an excuse. I’m just so caught up in life and thinking about other things that this has been on the backburner. However, I think I should make a more pronounced effort to develop this blog into something I’d gladly promote to the world and create content that is worth reading. Imagine a Man Repeller style website. If only I could create content quite like that. My dream would be the same mix of humour and writing as those girls have, a little bit of intellectual fashion posts (a la Alexander Fury), and some images from photoshoots if I ever get around to doing any. One thing is for sure, this will not become a style blog. I promise.

Thoughts

I can’t believe how quickly I have settled into life here. It’s weird. I’ve been speaking about moving here for years yet now I’m here I feel like I’ve never lived anywhere else. Honestly, I’m slighly disappointed that I’ve lost my excitement already. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that I’m in New York and that I don’t have to go home because this is now home. I need to remind myself to check my privilege too. I forget that people live in states worse than I do. When I complain about my creaky floorboards or the chipped paint on the bathtub, I feel like I’m invalidating the problems of others, the real problems. Even in comparison to some of my friends who are still living in dorms I am living a very different life and I often forget that. I am incredibly lucky. I know that for sure but I just need to remind myself every single day.

Since moving to New York I’ve done so many things that I’ve forgotten what it was like before. It’s scary to think I’ve only known people here for a little under two months because I feel like I’ve known them for years. I’m incredibly settled, already. I got a tattoo. I’ve been to a bunch of galleries and museums. I’ve been to nice restaurants. I’ve been in some great apartments. I’ve shopped, or at least browsed, in some of the finest stores possible. I’ve survived with less than a dollar in my purse. I’ve taken the subway at all hours of the night. I’ve built up all of the furniture in the apartment by myself (or with a little bit of help from my friends). I’ve cooked and burnt dinner. I’ve taken my laundry to the laundromat (for wash and fold, because I’m too lazy to wait for it and there’s no laundry in my building). I’ve navigated my way around a zillion local grocery stores and dragged groceries all the way from Trader Joe’s 50 blocks away just because I like the food. All regular experiences here but things I didn’t do so much at home.

The one thing I’ve noticed since moving here is that everything I thought I knew I wanted has been turned on its head. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m learning more about what everything actually entails during classes in school or if I’m just feeling a little bit more brave than I was before. I’m wondering if it’s worth taking a risk and doing something that would make me less money but (probably) happier? Then I get in my head and realise that maybe, fiscally, that’s a dumb decision to make. I want to do something less corporate than being a buyer, for now. I’ve always wanted to go into styling, whether that be editorial, celebrity, or e-commerce. I think all of the above would be fun and if I did it right I could turn it into a good career. I could even travel with it instead of just being in New York, but it would be a risk for me to take. I don’t even know how I would get started. YouTube? A style blog? A PR internship? Working in a showroom? My plan is to reach out to some people that I admire for advice and just hope that they respond. They say the way to make it in fashion is to have connections but of course I don’t yet have any. I’m excited to see how things turn out though as I know if I work hard enough and am good enough I could end up doing something really awesome.

Random things:

Current playlist on Tidal

Peter Dundas exits Cavalli, yet another move in the everchanging world of fashion

My favourite collection from Fashion Month

Good NY Times article on Shiona Turini

Solange’s Cranes in the Sky video (amazing visuals and a beautiful song from a beautiful album)

A very nice but overpriced penthouse that I’d gladly accept the keys to (for free, of course)

Freedom NYC – the best thing produced by Vogue for as long as I can remember (with stellar casting)

Changes

In less than three weeks I am moving to New York. I am beginning to realise that it is actually happening and not just something that is in my head. The practical matters are all being sorted out, the visa is stuck in my passport, the suitcases lie empty ready to be packed. Fuck. I feel like I have been talking about this forever but now that it is actually happening I can’t believe it.

It’s like I’ve been telling myself a lie to keep myself going for the past few years. I’ve always said, oh it doesn’t matter if you’re bored just now because you won’t be bored in New York, or oh you’ll find your dream job in New York, or oh you’ll find love in New York. I said it to pacify the restless spirit inside of me, the spirit that is always wanting more and striving to achieve, and now I’m so close to reaching my main goal. I have been saying it for so long that I started to doubt it, but it is actually real and happening soon.

Looking East from the Empire State Building
Looking East from the Empire State Building

I’m not yet scared, but I do think it is just because I’m not fully aware that is happening. Subconsciously I know that I have three weeks left with the life I know and have lived for the past eighteen years. Only three weeks with my friends and family and my house and my belongings. Basically everything that has made me comfortable for the past, almost, two decades. Externally you couldn’t tell that such a change was about to occur because on the surface I am so calm. Genuinely it hasn’t hit me yet. Even writing about the things that I’m going to be leaving behind didn’t give me any fear. It probably should.

New York has been my home, mentally, since I was very young. I hadn’t even visited America when I decided that New York was the place for me and I was going to get there somehow. I don’t know what sparked that desire for me, but something inside me grew from a desire to an insatiable need. I couldn’t live my life not knowing when I would be going there, or if I actually would be.

I’ve always wanted more than what Scotland could offer me, partly because I’m so obsessed with fashion. I want to be wildly successful, as does everyone in this industry I suppose. I’m willing to make major changes in my life to get to where I want but that’s because I know I couldn’t be content if I didn’t pursue this, if I didn’t actively make steps towards achieving what I wanted to achieve.

I used to struggle with anxiety quite badly a few years ago. I was so discontent in my life. So unhappy. I always wanted more and never felt like I was being challenged by my surroundings. I felt like I was going nowhere and that nothing was going to happen. On top of that, I began to feel so restless because I knew what I wanted. Through hard work, perseverance, and a whole lot of help from the Internet and the most important people in my life, I’m finally getting somewhere. I can’t believe it, a sentiment that I have expressed many times already in the past few hundred words.

I’m not going to New York and expecting life to be like a movie. I’m not stupid. I know I will be broke as hell and that the streets are dirty and that the people are mean and I won’t find a new love every two weeks like on Sex and the City, but I’m looking forward to it. The pace of life is different. Everyone is working their asses off to get where they want to be. Motivation is key and being around people who want the most will make me work even harder to make sure I get to where I want to be, eventually. Everything takes time but I often feel like time is too finite. There’s not enough hours in a day to waste. I think that’s an attitude that many New Yorkers have, that every hour in the day needs to be utilised.

I can’t wait to join the crazy life, although it kind of freaks me out not knowing what the future holds. There are so many uncertainties. I’m simultaneously excited and terrified to be moving to a country, no, a continent, where I know not a soul. It’s either going to be the best thing that has ever happened to me or the worst. It is scary not having any family or anyone that I truly know to have my back but I’m so ready to put myself out there and make new friends. I hope to present a better version of myself in New York, and hopefully I will eventually morph into that person. I want to be more confident and sure of myself, because I know that I have nothing to fear and that the majority of my shortcomings are just in my head/don’t even matter to anyone else. And hey, if it all goes to shit it’s only for three years. But if it goes well, this could be the start of the life that I’ve always wanted.